Yesterday, I attended a meeting which I left thinking:
“This might turn into a total mess.”
Have you ever experienced something similar?
Twenty well-meaning people come together around a shared purpose. A large rectangular table. People seek to form a circle, yet there is only space for a long oval. Many can’t see each other.
A bit of an agenda by the initiator (unclear), no facilitator, people speak in the order of whoever gets their voice through wins. Some speak a lot, others not at all. Listening is rare.
Source: Dharma Comics, Leah Pearlman
Then a participant suggests: “How about we change our agreement from last time?”
(I leave out the details of that change, as it’s not needed to get the main points.)
Immediate strong agreement by some, including the initiator of the group. Silence from others.
I think to myself:
“Hmmmhh, I am not so sure about this change. Does she really know the implications of this suggestions? Does everybody else actually understand the risk of doing this?”
I speak up but immediately I am targeted with comments like:
“Don’t let your old thinking limit what we make possible here!”
Imagine tone of voice that clearly knows better.
The leader concludes: “That’s how we do it from now on, right?!”
I caution again:
“Wait, we can’t just casually say, ‘this is how it’s now done.’ Last time we agreed upon a specific way of making decisions.”
Hardly anyone remembers what we had agree upon. People obviously never thought about the impact of decision-making. Decisions just… kind of… happened…
I remind them: “We said we make decisions via ‘Consent decision-making’. Which means that people signal if they object to a proposal by raising their hand.”
(side note: I was new to the group and hadn’t had a chance to introduce them to 5toFold, yet.)
The leader remembers and asks: “Okay, hands up – does anyone have any objections to the proposal?” No hand goes up.
I negotiate with myself: “Do I raise my hand? I have a lot of doubt and uncertainty. However, nobody seems to care about my view.”
I look around, people seem to want to get done with this topic. Participants seem to have no clue of the importance of HOW a decision is being made.
My inner negotiation continues: “If you raise your hand, this will get really annoying. This proposal might create the distortion you envision, but you can back off from this project without too much loss.”
I sigh. And keep my hand in my lap.
Have you ever been in a similar situation?
Where you weren’t convinced?
But you gave in, because no-one cared for your perspective?
With a sense of accomplishement, the leader declares the proposal as “accepted”…
Some days later, I go for a walk with the participant who brought the proposal forward. I ask her:
“Are you aware of the possible side effects of your proposal?”
“How did you experience the meeting? Are you satisfied with the result?”
To my surprise, she says:
“Oh, I hadn’t thought it through, I just brought if up.
I am surprised that it went through so fast.
I just wanted to talk about it.”
My heart almost stopped beating.
— Marai Kiele
I notice
Regarding the project
- Lowered trust in the way this groups operates.
- Lowered care and identification with the outcome of this project.
Within myself
- Disappointment and frustration – I wanted to serve the group with my expertise, yet people respond to my input as ‘in the way’.
- Less engagement – I started by being highly engaged, now I’ve moved to the side of the playing field.
- My heart is just not in it as much as before.
Was the proposed change a failure?
We don’t know, yet. Time will tell.
What I DO know is what I got to experience first hand: The shift from being an engaged contributor to a half-engaged participant.
If this way of communicating continuous then my engagement might disappear completely.
Which is a phenomenon we see in teams everywhere.
Everyone talks about Engagement.
Wanting people to care. Yet is unaware that
HOW decisions are being made
is at least as important to building high-performing teams as
WHAT decisions are being made.
That’s why the 5toFold process pays such close attention to
- Valuing all perspectives
- Listening to all viewpoints
- Crafting a clear proposal before bringing it to a group for decision-making.
- Distinguishing between the roles of sponsor, facilitator, participants.
- Seperating the phase of “understanding” and “judging” an idea.
We invite you to learn about the details of the carfully crafted 5toFold process by taking our Intro to 5toFold workshop.
– as Birgitt Williams, founder of the Genuine Contact™ Program, said:
“People don’t need to be agreed to.
But people need to be listened to.”
